Nothing is more depressing than being alone. Not having a significant other. Not having someone to share your life with. Yes, I have my daughter, but that’s different. Half the time I can’t understand what she’s saying. Not to mention, she doesn’t understand some of the things I’m talking about. It would be better to talk to an adult about adult things. Children shouldn’t have to worry about adult things until they become adults themselves. In other words, it would be nice to have an actual conversation with someone for once.
I turn on my computer and see all the happy couples. Those who are going out on the weekends with someone. The ones that are so happy to have that special someone in their lives. I’m happy for them, really I am, but it makes me feel that more depressed and even more alone. Makes me a little envious I think.
I’m a really good actor as I can hide all of these emotions really well. I smile and act like nothing is wrong. No one can see that I’m hurting, that I’m stress or depressed or sad. Though a few people that really know me could tell something is wrong just from the way I text…short simple answers to their questions, which isn’t like me.
Four years is a long time to go without dating, without being with anyone. Yeah, my ex had hurt me pretty badly, but it’s been four years and I’ve moved through that and into another phase where I think, “Who’s going to date me? I have an Autistic daughter and I live with my grandmother.” Yes, I may be busy with home life and school, but I can try my best to make time. In fact I think it would be best that I did. Just to talk about anything to someone would help relieve the stress I had to endure that day.
I’ve started to drive in silence, no radio playing sad songs on repeat. I need happy cheerful tunes and not let my thoughts take over. I’ve been spending more time with my daughter, well I always spend time with her, but I have been taking time out of doing homework to watch TV with her, to play games, or toys with her. I took her to see Planes, I bought her the movie Epic and sat down and watch it with her three days in a row. I’m learning a little more about the cartoons she watches, who the character names are.
This weekend I’m hoping to phone a friend and see if my daughter and I can stop by and ride one of his horses. Though it’s very therapeutic for my daughter to ride, it is also therapeutic for me as well. Something about being one with the horse, riding at a gallop as the wind blows through my hair, the feeling of being free.
Some people tell me, “Oh you’ll find someone.” I did try dating just recently. I was happy to finally have someone in my life, happy to have someone to talk to, happy to have someone pay attention to me for once. I must’ve been too happy that it didn’t work out so well. There was so much I don’t understand on what happened.
I am trying hard to rise above it, to work through what I’m feeling. I have no choice really, I have a mini me that depends on me to be strong. She has, on a few occasions sensed when I was feeling down as she brought me her favorite stuffed animals and then gave me a hug. I couldn’t help but smile as my daughter was helping me feel better by giving me things that make her feel happy. I can’t complain about that.