Nothing is more depressing than being alone. Not having a significant other. Not having someone to share your life with. Yes, I have my daughter, but that’s different. Half the time I can’t understand what she’s saying. Not to mention, she doesn’t understand some of the things I’m talking about. It would be better to talk to an adult about adult things. Children shouldn’t have to worry about adult things until they become adults themselves. In other words, it would be nice to have an actual conversation with someone for once.
I turn on my computer and see all the happy couples. Those who are going out on the weekends with someone. The ones that are so happy to have that special someone in their lives. I’m happy for them, really I am, but it makes me feel that more depressed and even more alone. Makes me a little envious I think.
I’m a really good actor as I can hide all of these emotions really well. I smile and act like nothing is wrong. No one can see that I’m hurting, that I’m stress or depressed or sad. Though a few people that really know me could tell something is wrong just from the way I text…short simple answers to their questions, which isn’t like me.
Four years is a long time to go without dating, without being with anyone. Yeah, my ex had hurt me pretty badly, but it’s been four years and I’ve moved through that and into another phase where I think, “Who’s going to date me? I have an Autistic daughter and I live with my grandmother.” Yes, I may be busy with home life and school, but I can try my best to make time. In fact I think it would be best that I did. Just to talk about anything to someone would help relieve the stress I had to endure that day.
I’ve started to drive in silence, no radio playing sad songs on repeat. I need happy cheerful tunes and not let my thoughts take over. I’ve been spending more time with my daughter, well I always spend time with her, but I have been taking time out of doing homework to watch TV with her, to play games, or toys with her. I took her to see Planes, I bought her the movie Epic and sat down and watch it with her three days in a row. I’m learning a little more about the cartoons she watches, who the character names are.
This weekend I’m hoping to phone a friend and see if my daughter and I can stop by and ride one of his horses. Though it’s very therapeutic for my daughter to ride, it is also therapeutic for me as well. Something about being one with the horse, riding at a gallop as the wind blows through my hair, the feeling of being free.
Some people tell me, “Oh you’ll find someone.” I did try dating just recently. I was happy to finally have someone in my life, happy to have someone to talk to, happy to have someone pay attention to me for once. I must’ve been too happy that it didn’t work out so well. There was so much I don’t understand on what happened.
I am trying hard to rise above it, to work through what I’m feeling. I have no choice really, I have a mini me that depends on me to be strong. She has, on a few occasions sensed when I was feeling down as she brought me her favorite stuffed animals and then gave me a hug. I couldn’t help but smile as my daughter was helping me feel better by giving me things that make her feel happy. I can’t complain about that.
Author Jennifer N. Adams 
Hey Jen, big hugs. I know how you feel. That what I went through for awhile. Tried seeing a couple people. I have to admit I haven’t totally given up on it. It’s just not a worry for me right now. Like you talking to my daughter is difficult most days. I do have some friends that I talk to often about everything. When I’ve dated I can’t help but talk of my girl and passion right now. I think find it difficult to fathom a father so excited about helping people w disabilities. I’m not tough to deal with im just a social aware guy who cares strongly about what goes on. I think too people analyze my situation and figure its too much to get involved with a guywho has a special needs child. Keep yourhead high Jen. If you were closer id go out with you in a minute.
Awe! Thank you! I am keeping my head up, it’s hard, but I’m doing it. I come across as caring, strong willed, and honest, maybe that’s too much for some. Maybe that’s why I’ve never married. I do a lot for my daughter, and I care a lot about her as well. I’m trying not to give up on dating. 🙂
You’re right. You do come across caring, strong willed and honest. I think we have the same issues lol. Well maybe me saying I gave up isn’t right. More a or less not a top priority for me. I think it takes a special person to understand our situation and being to work with it. I have to say it is nice when she goes to bed and its just me up. I think it’s the ability to do what I want and not be questioned why. Most of my friends are single parents.
You’re probably right, it takes someone who knows what we go through on a daily basis to understand why we are the way we are. Yes, that time when she goes to bed does feel nice, but there is still that opportunity for my daughter to wake up. She hasn’t in awhile, but that doesn’t mean that she won’t sometime soon. I actually read for a few hours, then go to sleep.
Ya same here. When it comes to her waking up. She did at 3am the other night. Thought she needed to changed but turned out her blanket fell on the floor and she lost her toy she was sleeping with.
I’m always worrying because she rolls around like crazy. I try and read unless I get caught up in a show.
Most often it is the lost of a toy that causes my daughter to wake up, sometimes it’s because she got too hot. This usually ends up with her going to bed with me for about twenty minutes, I guess so she can calm down, then she goes back to her bed and I to mine and all is peaceful for the rest of the night.
she never comes to my bed. We end up kicking eachother while sleeping. Apparently she says I’m noisey when I sleep lol. This heat we have here is a killer for her.
Lol! I don’t get any sleep if my daughter stays in my bed…she’s a wiggle butt and she kicks too. Got slapped in the face once. I feel for her with it being hot there. We’re not a big fan of the heat either.
We spent a couple hours at the park today after early years centre. Was trying to get her to play in the splash pad. Wants nothing to do with it. Could tell she had enough with starting to stand around staring blankly. Almost went into meltdown mode until she got in the wagon and went to sleep.
My daughter can’t go near the splash pad either. Though she will swim in the pool. I take her to the park when it isn’t too hot. They have a toddler section that’s fenced in, so I just turn her loose and let her rum. She go down the slide, run, swing, run. Then she wants me to push her around the walk/run path in her stroller. It’s been way too hot here these past few weeks to go to the park though.
It’s interesting how they won’t do the splash pad but they want to be in the pool. Was asking about the pool today. We haven’t been for awhile. Ya she loves the toddler section too. Seems to fit in with that crowd quite nicely.
That’s great! Yeah, it’s odd how they don’t like the splash pad, but loves the pool. Even when I took her to the beach and had to use the showers to get the sand off…she had a meltdown then.
Oh the shower is an issue because of the water coming down on them. At home we don’t showers just baths.
That makes sense. We do the same here as well.
I have been divorced for 4 years now and was hurt, still I have learnt so much in these years and I also missed the adult talk. Still work on yourself , start loving yourself, I have read lots of books and it is really good. Once I accepted myself I really started to feel happier and started dating. It is fun , but alos be careful. I have learnt a lot about men, and I do not expect a partner for life through this, but it is good to have real adult conversations again. Also if you do not expect much you cannot get disappointed. Take each day as it comes and enjoy the moment. Go out , meet friends, have some quality time on your own and give life a twirl. there are plenty of wonderful people out there and you cna also make new friends. All the best!
Thank you! So sorry to hear about your divorce. Am glad to hear you’ve started dating though.