Monthly Archives: August 2013

Being Alone Can Be Too Depressing


Nothing is more depressing than being alone. Not having a significant other. Not having someone to share your life with. Yes, I have my daughter, but that’s different. Half the time I can’t understand what she’s saying. Not to mention, she doesn’t understand some of the things I’m talking about. It would be better to talk to an adult about adult things. Children shouldn’t have to worry about adult things until they become adults themselves. In other words, it would be nice to have an actual conversation with someone for once.

I turn on my computer and see all the happy couples. Those who are going out on the weekends with someone. The ones that are so happy to have that special someone in their lives. I’m happy for them, really I am, but it makes me feel that more depressed and even more alone. Makes me a little envious I think.

I’m a really good actor as I can hide all of these emotions really well. I smile and act like nothing is wrong. No one can see that I’m hurting, that I’m stress or depressed or sad. Though a few people that really know me could tell something is wrong just from the way I text…short simple answers to their questions, which isn’t like me.

Four years is a long time to go without dating, without being with anyone. Yeah, my ex had hurt me pretty badly, but it’s been four years and I’ve moved through that and into another phase where I think, “Who’s going to date me? I have an Autistic daughter and I live with my grandmother.” Yes, I may be busy with home life and school, but I can try my best to make time. In fact I think it would be best that I did. Just to talk about anything to someone would help relieve the stress I had to endure that day.

I’ve started to drive in silence, no radio playing sad songs on repeat. I need happy cheerful tunes and not let my thoughts take over. I’ve been spending more time with my daughter, well I always spend time with her, but I have been taking time out of doing homework to watch TV with her, to play games, or toys with her. I took her to see Planes, I bought her the movie Epic and sat down and watch it with her three days in a row. I’m learning a little more about the cartoons she watches, who the character names are.

This weekend I’m hoping to phone a friend and see if my daughter and I can stop by and ride one of his horses. Though it’s very therapeutic for my daughter to ride, it is also therapeutic for me as well. Something about being one with the horse, riding at a gallop as the wind blows through my hair, the feeling of being free.

Some people tell me, “Oh you’ll find someone.” I did try dating just recently. I was happy to finally have someone in my life, happy to have someone to talk to, happy to have someone pay attention to me for once. I must’ve been too happy that it didn’t work out so well. There was so much I don’t understand on what happened.

I am trying hard to rise above it, to work through what I’m feeling. I have no choice really, I have a mini me that depends on me to be strong. She has, on a few occasions sensed when I was feeling down as she brought me her favorite stuffed animals and then gave me a hug. I couldn’t help but smile as my daughter was helping me feel better by giving me things that make her feel happy. I can’t complain about that.

Slowly Breaking Habits


My daughter, from about the time she was one, has always had to carry a toy or two, or a bucketful along with her to the car. It didn’t matter if I was just driving down the street to the bank, she still had to have her toys with her. And if I were going into the store, she had to take her toys in with her. If I didn’t allow her to take them, it would create a meltdown.

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Let’s see, I got my sippy cup, airplane, giraffe, little lamb, and dinosaur. Did I forget anything?

There’s only been one time where I couldn’t allow her to take a toy into the store with us, as it was her big plastic dump truck. I can understand why she loves the thing, it is colorful, it’s a big cool truck, and it can carry more of her toys. But I’m not sure the store’s employees or security team would see it that way, especially if she tosses it out of the buggy a few times and I relentlessly give it back to her, rather than leaving it where she threw it.

When I say meltdowns, some people just think, oh it’s just a toddler thing. But to those who have Autistic children or have worked with them know how Autistic children can be when it comes to needing that particular toy or item. Autistic children can either be very smart or the complete opposite. They don’t understand feelings, like if they hit you, they don’t know that it hurts. They can’t understand why they can’t have a certain toy, or a cookie before dinner. This leads to a meltdown.

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They all want to go for a ride too, Mommy!

My daughter has a Sensory Processing Disorder which means certain things feel funny to her, or she doesn’t like it if you touch her hands, or feet. She can’t stand the feel of mud on her skin, or silly putty, or anything that feels wet on her skin (unless she’s taking a bath or swimming in the pool), her reaction is to quickly wash whatever it is off of her.

She also has the tendency to hit herself when she has a meltdown, sometimes even bangs her head against something, mostly the floor. When I say she hits herself, I’m not talking about a light tap, she has her hands in a fist and literally hits herself in the head or her arms, really hard.

She has a wonderful group of therapist that see her each day. And I had the chance to see what all they do with her this past summer. By seeing how they work and her reactions I’ve been able to continue the same process with my daughter myself. Like drawing, coloring, helping her with her shapes and colors, puzzles, playdoh, the list is endless on the amount of activities and all to continue to help my daughter throughout the day.

Most recently we’ve been working on keeping the toys and stuffed animals in the car, instead of taking them in with us. I think she started doing this when I started taking her swimming this summer. I told her calmly that we couldn’t take all of her toys with her, but she could play with them once we got back in the car. I began to notice that she started leaving her toys in the car when we took our trips to the store and now when I drop her off at daycare in the mornings. She still has meltdowns, but not when I ask her to leave her toys in the car.

The view from where I sit


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I have survived the first week of a new semester of college. Though I did have to take a nap as soon as I got home each day.

Today’s ‘View From Where I Sit’ is taken in the college library. I’m sitting in the magazine area, located in the far left corner as you walk in the door. I usually spend quite a bit of time in the library, in fact I’m in there every day. I find this little area by the magazines somewhat quieter. I’m wearing my favorite flip flops as you can see in the picture. It is a mere reminder that summer is over and school has begun. I’m taking five classes this semester, so I’m going to stay busy.

*Please note that I don’t sit with my feet on the furniture, it was just for the picture 😉

Rome, Italy


It has always been a dream of mine to visit Rome, Italy, to go to the coliseum, St Peter’s, and the Vatican. One of the few reasons why I joined the Navy was to see the world, the other was to serve my country.

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When we anchored off the coast of Naples, Italy my best friend Christina Rico and I took a three hour bus ride from Naples to Rome. We spent the day driving around, touring Rome. The bus finally parked and allowed us a few hours to visit the Coliseum, then St Peter’s. After that it took us to our hotel where we were given a real Italian meal. Though some of the people we were with wanted to call it a night, but I looked at Christina and said, “I’ve finally made it to Rome, I’m going out.” She agreed with me.

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The thing about Rome is that there are fountains every where you look and some of them are lit up so that the streets of Rome are never dark…I said some of them. We walked and walked until we found the Spanish Stairs. Then walked some more until we found a small pub where we ran into a couple of friends. After a few drinks, we walked around some more and found a coffee shop that was oddly opened at the wee hours of the morning.

It was near five in the morning when we decided that it was best to head back to our hotel. We started to walk around, looking for our way back when we found the subway. This was my first and only time ever riding a subway. It didn’t appear to resemble anything that I’ve seen on TV. In fact, it was quiet and so very clean, I was impressed.

When we got to our room we decided a quick bath and a nap was probably best before we got back on our tour bus at seven. The tour bus took us back over to St Peter’s and the Vatican, where we had more time to spend walking around, seeing the sights. Since Christina and I already walked around St Peter’s, we decided the Vatican was next on our list to see.

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The Sistine Chapel was all that I cared to see, though I was amazed at all the statues and tapestries we saw along the way to the Sistine Chapel. When we finally walked into the Sistine Chapel I felt a moment of awe. I honestly cannot explain it. I even felt the same spirituality when I walked into St Peter’s Basilica. An overwhelming sense of calm and peace. I looked up to the ceiling, staring at the beautiful paintings of Michelangelo and began to tear up. Words just cannot express what I was feeling, but if you have ever been there, then you understand. Maybe it was my understanding of what Michelangelo went through while he painted these murals, or maybe it was my knowledge of the history of St Peter’s, or maybe it was the fact that I was standing in such a holy place that I could feel the presence of God.

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Though this trip was back in 2002, it will always be one that I will remember, and one that I will always cherish.

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Caesar cremation site

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Standing with a Roman actor, Christina on the left and me on the right.

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Why Sagging Should Be Illegal


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It may be a constitutional right for someone to wear their pants way below their waistline, but how about those that have no choice but to see this? It could be offensive for some to see someone sagging. It could also be called indecent exposure, especially to a child or a woman.

Just recently my sister and her daughter were standing in the checkout line when my niece pointed at the guy standing in front of them and said quite loudly, “Mommy, his pants are falling down! I can see his underwear!”

Just the other day I was standing in the bookstore line at my school, Pulaski Technical College, when I noticed the guy in front of me wearing his pants below his behind, he didn’t bother to wear a long enough t-shirt to cover up his underwear. And should he decide to stretch or raise his arms I would’ve seen more than I wanted to…actually I didn’t want to see that at all. I’m also sure if that did happen, whoever was standing in front of him, or walking by would get an eye full as well. There should be a dress code at all schools and colleges.

When I was in high school there were dress codes for the females. We couldn’t wear tank tops or short shorts or skirts because it would show too much skin. So where would sagging be placed in the dress code?

You see, it isn’t just the underwear peeking out from behind that we should be looking at, no pun intended, but we should also think about what can be seen from the front. It would be considered indecent exposure. What if the intended sagger were to choose not to wear underwear? Would you like a flash of near frontal nudity? I know I wouldn’t and I would specifically dislike it should my daughter see anything as obscene. But still, if the sagger wore underwear, even boxers, there would still be the opportunity of seeing the member’s sex.

It may be the sagger’s freedom of expression and their right to choose how they wear their clothing, but think outside the box and see how it may be considered offensive to others.

New Pop Tarts


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Have you tried the new pop tarts? One is peanut butter and the other is peanut butter with chocolate frosting. So far I have only tried the peanut butter with chocolate frosting. To me it tastes like a peanut butter smores. Or even better, a graham cracker with a melted Reese’s cup on it. The only problem I find is that I’m full after eating one and have to put the other one in a baggie for later. Maybe that’s a good thing.

It’s more like a snack you have to be in the mood for, rather than a pop tart you would be used to eating in the morning. My preferred pop tart would be the strawberry filled without the frosting.

Oui, oui, I’ll be learning French in a classroom


I’m having to take a online French class while I’m here in college. It’s required to get my Bachelor’s. I’m not crazy about learning a foreign language online, but I have to have it and online is the only way it’s offered.

In this online French class we’ll be asked to make a journal/blog entry. I didn’t really want to start a new blog just for one class, so why not just add it to the blog I currently have, it’s up and running, and it’s active.

So, sit back and learn the French culture and language along with me.

Journal question:

“If you’ve studied a foreign language before, What was the most difficult part of the experience? Be specific. What made that as difficult as it was?

If you haven’t studied foreign language before, what specifically do you expect will be the most difficult for you? If you have no idea, take a few minutes skimming over the course content, and base your answer about what seems trickiest. Don’t forget to include why you think it will be difficult.

Finally tell how you plan to approach this learning experience differently because of your experiences or expectations. ”

I grew up learning many languages verbally. I couldn’t read nor write them. It was good enough that I was learning a different language other than English. What is even better is that I was able to speak and understand it. I didn’t have a problem until I had to learn a foreign language in a classroom. The worst part was conjugation; changing the ending of the word, the using the appropriate he, she, they and make sure the word has a similar ending. That sentence sounds just as confusing as learning a foreign language in a classroom. It was also awkward seeing how the word was spelled different than how it sounded. I was lost in translation, literally. I honestly didn’t learn anything from taking two courses of Spanish in high school. We really didn’t speak Spanish to one another, we spoke English. Then I had to move again and I didn’t have anyone to speak another language with, other than English.

When I decided to go back to college I found out that I had to have three years of a foreign language just to get my degree. I just knew I wasn’t going to do well and I didn’t, but yet I passed the class with a B. I still didn’t learn anything that I hadn’t known before taking the class.

My third attempt was taking Spanish 2 in the classroom was beyond ridiculous. I had a hard time with the teacher, as did everyone else. Not to mention she always showed up twenty minutes late. She then tried to rush the assigned work because we only had twenty to thirty minutes left of class, what should’ve been a fifty minute class. She refused to help anyone…seriously! It was beyond sad and so I ended up dropping the class. I couldn’t have one class ruin my GPA on the sad fact the teacher didn’t want to help her students out when they were having trouble. I was one of those students that needed help. I did ask for a tutor, but I would have to drive to the North campus, to which is way out of my way.

I find French much different than Spanish, though I am familiar with both. I was trying to learn Spanish because of the many Spanish speaking people that live here in the United States that I may work with in my chosen profession. Though I have never learned French from a classroom, I have learned it from being around people who speak it and also from watching many French movies. I’m hoping it’ll be a different challenge, but a good challenge. I’m not crazy about taking online classes, as it’s much harder to learn that way, especially a foreign language. But alas, I have to have it to get my degree, plus I want to be able to learn more about the language and culture.